It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World
by Adagio Cantabile
Summary: The Attack of the OOC characters! Will Ash survive the cliches? Satire, sort of. Rated for one swear.


**A/N:** Ah, the results of Chemical Brothers and too much old school Pokemon. Anyway, I hope you enjoy my first foray into fanfiction (I enjoy alliteration perhaps too much sometimes) and please tell me what you think.

Thanks!

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**It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World**

**by Adagio Cantibile  
**

It was a normal morning for our hero from Pallet. Rolling up his sleeping bag, he eagerly awaited the adventures of the day to come. If he had known what was going to happen, he may have been a little less eager that morning…

"Hi Misty, have a good night's sleep?" He said to his already awake friend.

"SCREW YOU KETCHUM! YOU ABANDONED ME WITH OUR SON!"

"Misty, what the hell?"

"Do you think it's easy, harbouring passion and lust for you, Brock, Gary and that Nurse Joy in Vermillion whilst banging Professor Oak on weekends?"

"Eurrrgh!"

"You could never love me, what with my dark-and-never-fully-revealed mysterious past meaning I only shout at and assault you…" She said sadly.

"Mist, I don't know what you mean, but I -"

"You have to weaken a Pokemon before capturing it! You can't carry more than six at a time! I hate bugs!" And with that, she disappeared into the, releasing Psyduck and beating him over the head as she went. Ash was left bewildered, and ran to Brock when he came back holding firewood.

"Brock, Misty's been acting weird, do you know – Brock?" The older boy had gone dewy-eyed, small hearts popping around his face.

"Misty's a giiiiiiirl… I loves giiiiiirls…"

"Brock, why -"

"Although it is only a front to mask my true feelings… Your hair, your clothes, your hot sexiness – gah, I cannot take it any more! Ash, say you'll be mine, forever!"

"Argh! Get off me!" Ash ran away from the camp and the newly out Brock, yelling for Pikachu. It came running up to him and wanged the trainer with a two thousand volt thunder shock.

"What the fuck was that for?" Ash yelled, slowly allowing his muscles to move again.

"It's for all the times you've secretly abused your Pokemon, jackass."

"I've never - wait, you can talk?"

"I can do more than that, I've betrayed you and your whereabouts to Giovanni; your ass is in a sling, boy!" and with that, Pikachu began vigorously humping his leg.

Shaking off the electric mouse, Ash wondered if it was the pollen in the forest, when Giovanni loomed over him, despite having been completely out of sight a few seconds previously.

"Hello, Ash. I would have had you destroyed by now for your Pikachu if it wasn't for the small detail of you being my son. Surprise!"

"NO! It's not true, it's not – wait, isn't it odd that you're Italian and I'm all Japanese? And if you, the leader of the world's largest crime organisation, how come nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has told me this or even heavily hinted at it? And why are you in the middle of the forest when you have an enormous crime syndicate to run?" Ash, startled by this wave of logic, put down his increased brain power to the fact he was having a really bad day. Giovanni paused in his looming, and sat down on a tree stump.

"Look, I didn't want to do this, but parallels to Star Wars have to be drawn somewhere, and I'm the closest thing to a bad guy this place has. I'm your father. Deal with it." And with that he left, making Ash leap to the conclusion that he now has the crappiest dad on the planet.

"Argh, when will people start acting normally?" Gary leapt out from behind a bush, making Ash scream, incredibly girlishly.

"What is this, Piccadilly Circus?" He didn't wonder why he knew that.

"Well if it isn't the king of dorks, Ashyboy – how many Pokemon you caught recently? I've got three hundred thousand!"

"What? There aren't three hundred thousand Pokemon out there! And why are you being a jerk, didn't we put that behind us?"

"I'm rich! Girls surround me for reasons I can't fathom yet! I'm a better person than you, 'cause I've got a white coat and don't fight animals to the death!"

"I… what? Look Gary, everyone's acting weird today -"

"Who cares when we have each other, Ashyboy?" Whispered Gary seductively, pulling Ash closer to him, dragging on a fag and trying to look comfortable in leather pants.

"Gary, when did you start smoking? And when -" but he was cut off by a full on smooch from the leather wearing Pokemon researcher. Stunned, Ash fell to the floor, but scrambled back up when Gary fell on top of him. "Gary, what the hell? You're not gay AND you smell of cigarettes!"

"It's meant to be, Ketchum, don't fight it!"

"Gary, I've got to get to Pallet, your grandfather'll know what's going on, can I borrow Alakazam?" But Gary was curled in the foetal position, mumbling under his breath.

"Nooothing…. Nooothing to live foooooooor…"

Slowly, Ash took the Pokeball with Alakazam in it, and on second thoughts, removed sharp objects from the immediate area.

"I'll be back soon, when this is sorted out…"

Appearing outside the laboratory, Ash ran inside to see Professor Oak standing over his microscope, making notes, his aid jotting down important information.

"Professor! Gary's trying to kill himself, Misty told me about you and her, Brock is on a sex rampage and Giovanni said – wait, you're normal?"

"Ash, of course I'm normal, what's got into you?"

"It's been… a bizarre morning."

"Well, why don't you sit down and tell me… unless you'd like to go somewhere more private...?"


End file.
